I was inspired to write this post after I hit the publish button for my previous blog, and instantly felt a rush of anxiety and panic take over me. I was sharing my story for the first time, being vulnerable, raw and honest for the whole world to see. My limiting beliefs came rushing in. “I’m not good enough.” “Nobody wants to read your story.” “Nobody cares.”
Then, I shut it down.
Those limiting beliefs I’ve been conditioned to hear since I was a child aren’t real. I want to live in my truth and no longer live in fear.
I have this voice inside of my head that keeps me small. Feeds off fear, tells me I’ll never be good enough. Stay comfortable. Don’t take chances. You could never do that. You will never be successful. You aren’t pretty enough, smart enough, or athletic enough. Maybe it’s because I was a third born child, just wanting to be heard, or always trying to live up to be more like my siblings? Maybe it’s just innately who I am? Anxious and afraid to take chances.
I was very shy as a little girl and I can remember always worrying that something bad would happen. Whenever my Mom would leave the house without me, I would stare out the window and pray she would come home without being abducted by a serial killer. In my 20’s I started abusing food and my body, thinking that if I could just obtain the perfect physique, I would be enough. I would feel more confident, be more loveable, and finally have everything I ever wanted. Yet, I still felt an emptiness inside me and the voice still whispered.
At 33, that voice still lives inside me. Although I have found ways to manage it.
I originally thought if I could ignore her long enough, pay her no attention, and dismiss her enough times, she would go away. But then I got to thinking, after some inspiration from a mentor of mine, Caty. What if instead of telling her to “shut the fuck up”, I could acknowledge her with compassion? There is no need to battle with her and cause myself more stress. I have enough battles to fight. I can thank her for always being there for me, being my friend, for keeping me safe and making me feel loved when I was scared.
Even though it’s scary to live without her, always there guiding me, I think it’s time to stop staying small and playing safe. Instead of saying, FUCK OFF, I will silence her with compassion.
I am ready to honor my truth, to stop holding myself back, because of fear. I know I have so much to share with the world. I know I can make a difference. I know there is greatness inside of me. Lil old me.
I am ready to soar.