December 28th – YOU ARE PREGNANT! These are the words I’ve been hoping, wishing and praying for. So why then, did I feel a rush anxiety take over me when I got the call from my Doctor confirming my positive pregnancy test? Why was I not beaming with joy and happiness? Of course, I was happy, but since getting the news, fear has crept in and taken over.
After years of dealing with a dysfunctional body, that didn’t ovulate, produce enough hormones and withheld a period for over 3 years, I found myself feeling like I would never hear those words again. I was unsuccessful trying different medications to induce a period and injections to help me ovulate. This eventually led me to IVF and an egg retrieval surgery. Luckily, my husband and I had 5 embryos fertilize, but were unsuccessful with our first embryo transfer. This was devastating.
Ultimately, the success rate is like flipping a coin. My doctor said I had a 50/50 chance and it was out of my control. I however, truly feel I let my anxiety get the best of me. I wasn’t mentally, physically or emotionally prepared. More importantly, I wasn’t spiritually prepared.
As I geared up for my second transfer, I vowed to do everything different. I wasn’t going to allow myself to fall back into a deep depression and let anxiety run my life. From the quality of sleep, to the foods I was eating; from my moods and my personal relationships; anxiety played a huge factor. I was determined to get it under control to help with the success of my second transfer.
From start to finish, everything was different. Of course, I was anxious, but I did things like yoga, meditation and acupuncture to ease the anxiety. I got a lot of rest, I surrounded myself with positive people, I said no to things I didn’t feel like doing, and did things that made me happy. I prayed my little heart out and for the first time I wasn’t playing the victim and saying, “Why can’t this be easy for me?”, “What if this doesn’t work?”, “What if I lose another good embryo?” … and “Another pregnancy announcement?! FML”.
When the what-ifs and fears popped in my head I shut them down and channeled back to breathing, being still, held my belly and talked to my baby. I told her I loved her and couldn’t wait to meet her. In addition to taking care of myself physically, mentally and emotionally, I begun to believe wholeheartedly that it would work for me. I asked for it, prayed for it, hoped for it, wrote it down, visualized it, repeated mantras over and over (Dear Universe, I am open to receive the blessings intended for me), and wouldn’t take no for an answer!
Every single day I would see the time 11:11. I would randomly find feathers, pennies on the ground, and see rainbows. I felt so spiritually connected. The day of my transfer I had acupuncture and I asked for a sign as I fell into a deep meditation. I instantly received a vision of a little girl standing in a beam of yellow light with pig tail braids. It was so real and so pure. I knew in that moment it had worked (whether or not it’s a girl is to be determined, but I have an intuition it will be). Throughout my two-week wait, I felt pregnant. This time was different. I felt an overwhelming amount of joy and the anxiousness I felt was not stemming from fear, but from excitement.
When I got that BFP (Big Fat Positive), the moment I had been waiting for, dreaming about, and praying into reality, FEAR came rushing in. OMG I hope my HCG is high enough. I hope it increases. Oh no, am I working out too hard, and I sleeping enough, am I eating enough? What if I do something that could hurt the baby? What if it turns into a chemical pregnancy like that girl on Instagram? What if I miscarry? My anxiety turned from excitement to fear in an instant. After my first ultrasound, seeing the yolk sac and a flickering heartbeat, you would think I would feel PURE JOY! But instead, I instantly googled the heartrate and thought, “OH NO, it’s too low”. The Doctor showed no concern and if she was concerned, she would let me know. So, why wasn’t I allowing myself to enjoy the moment?
I realize I needed to BREATHE, revert back to mindfulness and the healthy habits that made me feel good, that opened me up to receiving, and that put my mind, body and heart at ease. I AM PREGNANT and I will continue to grow a strong baby. I will have a healthy pregnancy and an easy birth. I will enjoy every day, even the nausea, sore breasts and cravings for cheese and bread. I will continue to pray and meditate and be open to the signs I’ve been receiving, as proof that this is the exact path intended for me. I am meant to be this beautiful babies Mother.
Fear is a bitch, but I am in control.
I can let it get the best of me, as it did for many years of my life, or I can choose different thoughts. I can and will do everything to continue to live in my truth, believe, and be open to receiving.
Fear can be the thief of joy, but it will not rob me of this amazing BLESSING.